Dear Madonna:

I have a confession to make. It is a two-parter.

First, I am gay. This is not much of a confession, since you probably already know that. I think all the world knows that. It might have something to do with that “Richard Is A Big Homo” ad campaign I ran that one time.

Second, I have never given you a dime*. This would ordinarily not be much of a confession, either — after all, I’m sure there are many people who have never bought your albums or t-shirts or posters or items from your daughter’s clothing line, whatever it’s called. However, in light of Confession #1, it seems a little weird, no? Historically speaking, we Gays love you.

Anyway, I am telling you this because up until now, I had been holding out hope that you would one day knock my socks off and give the world something that I could not live without in my heavily curated collection of MP3s. But this morning, you posted the video for “Give Me All Your Luvin’ (Feat. M.I.A. and Nicki Minaj)“, and…well, did you really listen to that track before you released it? I mean, there’s good pop and there’s bad pop, and I think we both know what this is:

Pee-yew, lady.

Look, before you get too upset, please understand that this has nothing to do with your age. You look freakin’ fantastic. Plastic fantastic, but still: fantastic.

Nor does this have anything to do with your talent. You’ve never claimed to have an amazing voice, and you’ve made up for it with showmanship. Or showwomanship. Whatevs.

But honey, if you want to release a football-themed single to coincide with a Super Bowl halftime performance, please take a cue from Toni Basil and just go there.

* Clarification: When I was much, much, much younger, I bought the single for “Sidewalk Talk” by Jellybean Benitez, and I’m pretty sure you sang an uncredited backup on that. If you received a royalty check for that, I stand corrected. Also, a cast member performed a spoof of “Vogue” called “Brogue” in our theatre company’s production of POP TARTS several year’s ago, but we used a karaoke version, and I think I Napstered it.