1. Do not unsubscribe from email lists
You will be “unsubscribed” from a potential lover’s heart.
2. Do not change your Netflix password
Maggie Smith will be dropped from the next season of Downton Abbey.
3. Do not transfer money from PayPal to your bank account
You will find yourself stuck in line eight times this year, waiting for a Walgreens manager to approve a check.
4. Do not use an odd number of tags on Instagram
The photo of your once-in-a-lifetime encounter with Anderson Cooper will come out blurry.
5. Do not “woof” at a former hook-up on Scruff
He will ignore your advances and make a snarky Facebook post about all the “desperate, pushy bottoms looking for New Year’s dick”.
Alternate fate: MUDSLIDE.
6. Do not change out your last incandescent bulb for a compact fluorescent bulb
A true friend’s duplicity will be revealed.
7. Do not watch an all-day marathon of America’s Next Top Model
Because that shit got ridiculous after Cycle 7. Also, Tyra Banks ain’t nice.