Song Stylist Moe Monas Vs. The Beauty Queens: Act 1

Joe Jonas performing during the 2013 Miss USA Pageant

Joe Jonas performing during the 2013 Miss USA Pageant MOE MONAS: Check one-two, check one-two. Can you hear me now?

MISS MICHIGAN: (Entering with other contestants, sees MOE onstage) Well, well, well, what do we have here? What big eyebrows you have, Moe! The better for me to smother with gentle kisses!

MISS GREATER SCHENECTADY: And what manly stubble you have, Moe! The better to tickle my taut, tan belly button!

MISS MULHOLLAND DRIVE: Ooooh, what a strong chin you have, Moe! The better to grind in my sternum while you’re motorboating my boobicles!

MOE MONAS: Fred, can you bring up monitor two? I’m having trouble hearing myself. There’s some kind of hiss in my earpiece.

MISS MICHIGAN: You’re such a professional, Moe. I love your all-white outfit.

MISS GREATER SCHENECTADY: It’s not an “outfit”, dummy. Girls wear “outfits”. Boys wear blue jeans and jean jackets.

MISS MULHOLLAND DRIVE: But nothing he’s wearing is blue!

MISS GREATER SCHENECTADY: Oh my god. For once, the bitch is right. Mind officially blown.

MISS MULHOLLAND DRIVE: I know! By the way, totally not a bitch, but I know!

MISS MICHIGAN: What do we call this, then?

MISS MULHOLLAND DRIVE: How about “white jeans”?


MISS MICHIGAN: Watch it, stretchmarks. My sister is differently abled. How do you think she’d feel sitting here, with you tossing around the R-word?

MISS GREATER SCHENECTADY: She’d probably be glad that someone was doing the talking besides you. Do you use that whore-hole for anything besides vomiting up IQ points?

MOE MONAS: Seriously, Fred? What the fuck is all that noise?

MISS MULHOLLAND DRIVE: Oh, my goodness! Did you hear that, you guys? Moe Monas said a swear!

MISS GREATER SCHENECTADY: Um, yeah, we’re standing right here. How could we not hear?

MISS MICHIGAN: Given the nonstop sound of wind whistling through your ear canal, we’re not taking anything for granted.

MISS MULHOLLAND DRIVE: Moe Monas said a swear, you guys! This is front-page news! Where’s my Samsung?

MISS GREATER SCHENECTADY: Samsung? What are you, some kind of algebra nerd? Why don’t you have an iPhone like everyone else?

MISS MICHIGAN: For your information, there’s a whole lot of phone diversity around here.

MISS GREATER SCHENECTADY: Wait, don’t tell me, let me guess: you use a Windows phone. (Silence) You totally DO use Windows! Screw this closet-dwelling purity princess and his one lousy curse word. YOU are front-page news! (Digs in purse for iPhone)

MISS MICHIGAN: I swear on my last cube of La Vache Qui Rit, if you tell a soul about that, I will snatch your wig during eveningwear.

MISS MULHOLLAND DRIVE: She wears a wig on her snatch? Now THAT’S news. I’m telling!

(ALL run in opposite directions, screaming for their publicists, leaving MOE and MISS DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA alone onstage)

MISS DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA: I like your tuck. Could you show me how you did it? I’m about to start saddlebagging.

MOE MONAS: I’d be delighted.


FRED: All right people, we’ve got 15 minutes. Who wants Quizno’s?

[pic via]

2 thoughts on “Song Stylist Moe Monas Vs. The Beauty Queens: Act 1

  1. In my head, he’s scheduled to basejump onto the stage as the winner is crowned, wearing his own aqua blue bikini. I need a few more drinks to flesh that out, though.

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