I’ve done drag — real drag, with a bra and all — a handful of times. Generally speaking, it was awful.

Sure, I enjoyed the makeup and the false eyelashes and the heels — who wouldn’t? But the wigs were hugely uncomfortable. The wigs and the shaving. I really hate to shave.

Until recently, I thought I could overcome those hangups, and I stockpiled a stellar list of potential drag/stage names for my alter-ego.

Alas, it’s clear that I’m never going to have enough time/patience/Barbasol to use them, so I’m releasing them into the wild. Hopefully, someone with a lighter beard, a softer jawline, and a greater tolerance for polyester wiglets can use them. Maybe you?

As an added bonus, some of them will work as band names, too. You’re welcome.

1. Nosegay Pantysniffer (Technically this one belongs to Jonno, but the copyright has probably run out.)
2. Wendy 2000 (She’s dated, not expired.)
3. Ovarian Thrombosis (This may be something horrible in real life, but the cadence is good.)
4. Transvaginal Messiah (All those mesh commercials finally got to me.)
5. Pussy Terwilliger (It’s like poetry.)
6. Cookiepuss McGruff (If you choose this one, your signature song becomes the best Beastie Boys tune of all time. And you get a signature dessert, too.)
7. Tundra Thundercunt (The loud, lewd lady from Lapland.)
8. Estrogenia McGuyver (Oh, what she can do with two bottlecaps and a maxi pad.)
9. Miss River Bridge (It’s funniest if you live along the Mississippi.)
10. Maxine Poutine (Girl likes to eat.)
11. Chanelvis (Which I stole from a co-worker at Lucky Cheng’s)
12. Chainsaw Guevara (She’s never heard the term “bloodless revolution”.)