I’ve done drag — real drag, with a bra and all — a handful of times. Generally speaking, it was awful.
Sure, I enjoyed the makeup and the false eyelashes and the heels — who wouldn’t? But the wigs were hugely uncomfortable. The wigs and the shaving. I really hate to shave.
Until recently, I thought I could overcome those hangups, and I stockpiled a stellar list of potential drag/stage names for my alter-ego.
Alas, it’s clear that I’m never going to have enough time/patience/Barbasol to use them, so I’m releasing them into the wild. Hopefully, someone with a lighter beard, a softer jawline, and a greater tolerance for polyester wiglets can use them. Maybe you?
As an added bonus, some of them will work as band names, too. You’re welcome.
- Nosegay Pantysniffer (Technically this one belongs to Jonno, but the copyright has probably run out.)
- Wendy 2000 (She’s dated, not expired.)
- Ovarian Thrombosis (This may be something horrible in real life, but the cadence is good.)
- Transvaginal Messiah (All those mesh commercials finally got to me.)
- Pussy Terwilliger (It’s like poetry.)
- Cookiepuss McGruff (If you choose this one, your signature song becomes the best Beastie Boys tune of all time. And you get a signature dessert, too.)
- Tundra Thundercunt (The loud, lewd lady from Lapland.)
- Estrogenia McGuyver (Oh, what she can do with two bottlecaps and a maxi pad.)
- Miss River Bridge (It’s funniest if you live along the Mississippi.)
- Maxine Poutine (Girl likes to eat.)
- Chanelvis (Which I stole from a co-worker at Lucky Cheng’s)
- Chainsaw Guevara (She’s never heard the term “bloodless revolution”.)