Dear Mr. Obama:

I am sure that by now someone has told you that you won the election. Congratulations!

Let me just say that it will be a real treat to have an articulate, intelligent, curious, debate-friendly man as America’s Next Top Spokesmodel. In the past 48 hours alone, you have given our country’s image a much needed shot in the arm. You have also made many people weep with joy, which is kind of what we do when we hear our current president speak, but with more joy. In fact, I am already tearing up at the thought of your inauguration and the dress that Michelle will wear to it. (FYI, I rather liked the red and black number from Tuesday, except for those crazy side panels. She looked like a very foxy doorway.)

But enough preamble. I am an impatient man, and judging from your metabolism, I can only guess that you’re the antsy sort, too. Therefore, I will get right down to business with my wish list. I know that you are probably receiving many such lists right now, but I have been ESPECIALLY good this year, so please take that into consideration. Now, in order of importance:

1. Find a way out of Iraq and Afghanistan. I know that we keep saying that we have to “win”, but your predecessor has made the war unwinnable by calling it a War on Terror, which is akin to having a War on Anger or Happiness or Melancholy or Ooginess (i.e. UTTER NONSENSE). We all know that the Iraqis and Afghans aren’t going to step up until we step out, so find a way to save face and back quietly out of the very sandy room.

2. Fix the economy. I can’t even balance my checkbook–assuming people do that kind of thing anymore–so I can’t offer any suggestions on how you might make this happen, but surely you know someone with banking savvy. If all else fails, ask Michelle–she looks like she’s good with budgets. (Note: fixing the economy will probably be easier once you deal with item #1, which is why I put it first. I am smarter than I look.)

3. Encourage the development of new energy resources. Don’t penalize the oil industry or the auto makers or anything, but offer incentives for them to move on. You know: attracting more flies with honey and all that.

4. Push equal protection legislation for GLBT folks. It’s a few simple words we’re asking for. You can probably just amend the Civil Rights Act of 1964. (If you don’t have it in MS Word format, I’ll email you a copy.) You don’t have to talk so much about marriage or military service or anything, but those will follow. AS THEY SHOULD.

5. Change the tone of religion in politics. I’m not asking you to show that Democrats can be just as bible-thumpy as Republicans. I’m asking you to show that there are multiple ways to be religious in America–including being non-religious. Religion is frustrating and divisive, and in 2008, we could probably do with a little less of that.

6. Be transparent. I don’t mean like the Invisible Man–though, you know, that’s kind of eloquent, when you think of the Ralph Ellison novel. No: I mean stay in front of us. Talk to us and let us know what you’re doing. Let us ask questions of you, and try to answer them sincerely. As someone living with both a president and a mayor who can do none of those things, I can’t tell you how important it is.

Well, that’s it for now. If I think of anything else, I’ll let you know. Give my regards to the family–and for goddess’ sake, please visit the SPCA for that damned puppy!

Your fan,

I really mean that,

I have also been really, really good,

Richard

I repeat, because it’s important: it is more than a little ironic that on the same day America saw a major civil rights victory, we also saw numerous civil rights setbacks. Even worse: those setbacks were delivered at the hands of many people who voted for Obama.

I am not sold on this election.

Rest assured, I voted for Obama. (I’m not quite a Yellow Dog Democrat, but I was born with a case of jaundice, so, you know: close.) And I’m happy that he won, and I’m happy that some of the candidates using hatred and xenophobia this election cycle got totally busted, and I’m especially happy that Sarah Palin will remain about as far from Pennsylvania Avenue as anyone can be and still remain on US soil, because that woman would be more like Bush than Bush: okay on-script, but at heart, a complete idiot and a puppet.

However: there were some significant losses yesterday, namely on the gay marriage front. Now, I don’t necessarily think that gay marriage is the be-all and end-all of GLBT rights–in fact, I think an equal protection clause would be more effective and useful for us. And no matter what the results of yesterday’s showdown might’ve been, I still wouldn’t be able to marry in my home state of Louisiana. But it’s still not pleasant being told that your relationship is somehow less valid–in the eyes of the public, the IRS, hospitals, etc.–than some late-night drunken Las Vegas wedding chapel hitching. (I’m looking at you, Britney.) I mean, Jonno and I have been together longer than any of my mother’s or father’s recent marriages. Doesn’t that count for something?

More to the point: it is more than a little ironic that on the same day America saw a major civil rights victory, we also saw numerous civil rights setbacks. Even worse: those setbacks were delivered at the hands of many people who voted for Obama.

I hate to resort to cliched arguments, but why was it okay for the civil rights battles of the 1950s and 1960s to be decided by judges, while today’s civil rights battles have to go to referendum? Wouldn’t it be in everyone’s best interest to acknowledge civil rights and put some of this stuff behind us, so that races could be about economic packages and foreign policy and other real issues? Hell, Dems could have a reasonable shot at wooing Christian conservatives, and the GOP might be able to win more of the GLBT vote. Or would that just bore everyone to tears and keep them home on election day?

But beyond the GLBT-rights losses, there’s another issue, a more personal one: this race brought out serious emotions in my friends and colleagues. While I know many will be over the moon today, plenty of others will want to crawl under a rock. And while I could gloat and say, “Now you know how we’ve felt for the last eight years,” I don’t plan on doing anything of the kind. Maybe it’s because I like to see both sides of an argument, or more likely because I don’t like seeing people in anguish, but I’m just going to tread softly for a while until everything’s back to normal.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? GO VOTE!

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 31, IS FOR MUSIC!

First, the obvious:

And for anyone who’s interested, download info for same:

Skinny Puppy: “Fritter (Stella’s Home)” [download]

Taunt: “Ministry vs. Kelis” [download]

Jim Backus & Phyllis Diller: “Delicious!” [download]

Jimmy Castor Bunch: “Troglodyte” [download]

Don’t say I never gave you anything for Halloween. Because, you know, Halloween is a holiday for giving, and I give a lot–not only candy, flowers, and music that you’ve had in your own collection since 1985, but also headaches, pains in the neck, and creepy, late-night, dorm room backrubs.

What can I say? I’m a giver.

BIZARRO WORLD

In today’s Picayune, Nagin tries to clear up the confusion about Ed Blakely and his alleged department of recovery or whatever:

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin said Tuesday that he wants his often-criticized recovery director, Ed Blakely, to stay for a third year, even as the mayor introduced a plan to dissolve Blakely’s department by June…

“It’s going to be his call,” Nagin said. “I’d love for him to stay a little longer, but, you know, he’s done his duty.”

Nagin said Blakely’s biggest mistake in fostering criticism was his promise of “cranes on the skyline” by September 2007.

“Here’s the rub: People are saying the recovery’s not moving because they don’t see progress,” Nagin said in an interview Tuesday. “I think if he could take one comment back, it would be ‘cranes in the sky.’ We don’t build high . . . so it’s not as readily available to the naked eye.

Speaking of high…. I mean, seriously dude: put your spokespeople to work and go back to Jamaica or Vegas or wherever you’ve been for the past two or three years.

Whatever. Move on down the page a bit, and you’ll find this curiosity–oddly enough, courtesy of reporter David Hammer, not Nagin:

The newspaper story did note that Blakely was sipping wine at the time, but he had just started on his first cup after an hours-long meeting with federal, state and local recovery officials.

Was Blakely at some kind of Renaissance Faire? Or maybe a very early Carnival parade? ‘Cause those are the only two places I can think of where anybody’d be swilling a “cup” of wine.

In other news, I’m at a hotel in Baton Rouge, where I recently fumbled and lost an entire cup of coffee. Seriously, LOST it: it spilled onto the carpet, and then it was gone. No trace. Rosie Whatsername ain’t got nothing on this low-pile shag.

THERE’S A PARTY IN NAGIN’S MOUTH,
AND WE’RE ALL INVITED! (TO CRINGE!)

First comes insult, and now, injury:

Blakely gave an interview last week to The Times-Picayune in which he said he needed to talk with his wife and with the mayor about whether to stay for a third year in New Orleans. Since then, Blakely has alternately called the newspaper story a “false report” and reiterated his intentions to consider his options.

Yesterday, the mayor made his first public comments on the subject, telling television reporters that he thinks Blakely will stay, but confirming that he’d have to discuss it with his aide in December.

Nagin tried to dismiss Blakely’s interview with The Times-Picayune by saying, “I think a reporter sat him down after he had a couple bottles of wine, he got a little too relaxed and started talking about how homesick he was….”

“He has done, in my opinion, a lot of great work. I don’t think this recovery would be where it is today without his great work.”

–more from the fucktard at NOLA.com

So not only is Nagin doing that thing again–you know, where he talks out his ass?–but he’s trying to convince his Partner in Asshattery to stick around and screw us over for another couple of years. Neat.

Frankly, I think the happy couple ought to take a pied-a-terre in the Pontalba and invite fellow whackjob Chris Rose over for a few more bottles of hooch. Who knows where things might go–though, in my dreams, all three wake up naked and spent on an iceberg north of the Artic Circle. Maybe Ms. Palin would rescue them and put them to work on her 2012 presidential campaign? Adorbs.

UPDATE: Bitch cannot seem to make up his mind.

Scenes from Paul Lynde’s (nearly) forgotten Halloween special,
with Margaret Hamilton, Florence Henderson, and Kiss

Because posting a video is way easier than writing about politics or religion or why it is so freaking cold in the house. However, it does beg a serious question: WHAT THE HELL WERE TV PRODUCERS SMOKING IN 1976? Also: if they were still smoking it today, would viewers be free from the tyranny of Atlanta/New York/OC housewives and their insipid spawn?

GOODBYE, FREE TIME

Well, at least for a week.

OPEN TABS IN MY BROWSER
OR, THINGS I AM KINDASORTA LOOKING AT

1. The trailer from Joan Crawford’s Berserk (a movie now being parodied by our friends in Chicago, Hell in a Handbag):

* * * * *

2. This craftsy watermelon brain–which I’d be way more likely to eat than any garden-variety watermelon plucked from the back of some guy’s truck:

* * * * *

3. Brick’s Hanky Code for Witches, including:

Hanky: Fishnet

Type: Drag Witch

Drug of Choice: amyl nitrate, whippets, poppers

Music of Choice: Scissor Sisters. Obital’s “Halcyon” or anything with a wailing black songstress set to a disco beat

Hanky: Black Cloth with Smiley Face

Type: Perky/Raver witch

Drug of Choice: X, Shrooms ‘n Acid

Music of Choice: The Orb, German techno and post 1990 Cure

Which of my inner-witches will win out: the Romanti-Stregherian or the Silicon Valley Techno Nerd? I suppose I should roll a d20 to decide…

* * * * *

4. Speaking of d20s: ever wondered what it’d sound like if today’s politicos played D&D?

PALIN: Hi folks! Sorry I’m late! I brought caribou burgers.

HILARY: Who the HELL is this?

MCCAIN: It’s cool, she’s with me.

HILARY: No! No, it’s not cool! Every time you bring one of your rodeo-queen girlfriends in here she ends up playing some succubus infiltrator and killing the whole party!

MCCAIN: Now, that is patently untrue.

BIDEN: He has a point. Cindy turned out to be a vampire.

MCCAIN: DUDE. SHUT UP.

GM: You guys, seriously, if you don’t knock it off with the bickering I’m going to start docking XP.

MCCAIN: You know what? Fuck it. I’m suspending the campaign.

GM: You can’t do that! Only I can suspend the campaign! I didn’t suspend it for the 1988 Mountain Dew shortage and I’m not going to suspend it now.

KUCINICH: YOU GUYS I AM TOTALLY CASTING A CANTRIP

MCCAIN: Oh my god, Dennis, shut up, you don’t even count.

KUCINICH: YOU GUYS ARE DICKS

BIDEN: Where are the Cheetos?

RON PAUL: Wait. What happen to tiny Mormon Man?

GM: You find Mitt’s lifeless, drained corpse has been stuffed in the broom closet.

* * * * *

5. Also on the nerd/annoyance front: do-nothing Asshat-At-Large Ed Blakely may soon step down as “recovery director” for New Orleans. You know, since his work here is done and everything.

* * * * *

6. This vaguely illuminating piece about the behind-the-scenes maneuvering that led to Palin being selected as GOP veep candy. It appears for realz in this Sunday’s New York Times; here’s an interesting excerpt:

The following night, after McCain’s speech brought the convention to a close, one of the campaign’s senior advisers stayed up late at the Hilton bar savoring the triumphant narrative arc. I asked him a rather basic question: “Leaving aside her actual experience, do you know how informed Governor Palin is about the issues of the day?”

The senior adviser thought for a moment. Then he looked up from his beer. “No,” he said quietly. “I don’t know.”

* * * * *

7. Even creepier: this hilarious/ominous fantasy scenario cooked up by Jesus’ General:

Sen. McCain was cut short when his office door swung rapidly open, hitting the wall with a crash and Sarah Palin strode angrily into the room….

“I’ve been listening,” she began, “I’ve heard every word.”

She continued:

Take your pen back to Dole and McConnell. They are irrelevant, now. The Party is irrelevant. John McClain is irrelevant. This campaign is about my return in 2012, when I redeem the Party and the nation and usher in an era of Biblically-based free-market-oriented governance.

But the Party must die first. It must be purged of those who gave us that ancient pile of festering anger you came to depose. It must also be cleansed of the Giulianis and Romneys and others who worship at the false alters of idolatry.

That is what this election is about. That is what this election will be, the Republican Party’s apocalypse. I will return after
the cleansing and preside over a rapture of the righteous, raising up the most worthy to lead a new Republican Party into victory.

Will you be among those I rapture, General?

* * * * *

8. And as if all that weren’t enough to think about, the creationists are back. They’ve lost the battle of the brain, but they’re still aiming to win the war over the soul. Argh, I say.

[Most of that nonsense via BB, BONO, and my own ADD]