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GAME REVIEW: FABLE 2
Not So Much

I’m an on-again, off-again videogame junkie. I’m picky about what I play, and I won’t just turn on a console to have something to do, but when I find a game that suits my interests…well, I’ll see you in a few months.

The original Fable for Xbox was totally my kind of game: mind-blowingly beautiful and expansive, with a well-crafted storyline and a variety of side-quests. The game also offered a level of social interaction with its NPCs (i.e. non-playable characters) that I’d never seen before in an RPG (i.e. role-playing game). So understandably, I was excited by the release of Fable 2 for the 360–so excited that I went out and bought the damn thing instead of, you know, waiting for someone to give me a copy. Several weeks later, I’m not entirely sure it was money well-spent…

FABLE 2: PROS

It’s damn pretty. The developers really used colors to their advantage: happy, friendly places are full of nice, warm, fully saturated tones, while the more dangerous locales are washed out and gray. Also, everything has a Doris Day, Vaseline-on-the-lens fuzziness about it, which is majorly hot–though it’s possible I just need stronger glasses.

Its gameplay is pretty varied. In many videogames, side-quests become repetitive: go find this object in a cave full of trolls, go rescue that princess from a cave full of trolls, go kill all the trolls in a cave full of trolls, etc. In Fable 2, there’s enough variety to keep things interesting, which encourages players to dally a bit instead of plowing straight through the main storyline.

It’s a friendly game. Tutorial advice pops up constantly, and there’s even a sweet little glowing path that’ll guide you through the landscape toward your current goal. (You can turn that off if you’d rather find your own way.) Also friendly: the fact that you can’t die. Well, maybe you can, but you’d really have to work at it. Some might say that cheapens the game and lowers the stakes; I’d say it allows players to focus on other things.

It’s a highly social game. Every NPC has been articulated, and each has specific personality traits, including likes and dislikes, conservative or liberal views, raunchy or prudish tastes. And through a variety of expressions at your disposal–from dancing to laughing to playing dead to farting–you can make NPCs like you or fear you or hate you. Most interestingly, you can play your character as good, evil, or somewhere inbetween, which affects not only your appearance, but also the way folks perceive you. In fact, I’d argue that Fable 2‘s social interaction is its biggest selling point, and possibly where the designers spent most of their time. The end result is not unlike The Sims, but with more swords and voiceovers from Julia Sawalha (Saffie, darling!).

It’s seriously naughty. After you’ve made people like you, you can run off to the nearest bed and bonk the bejesus out of them–and before you do, you’re always asked whether you want to get busy avec or sans condom. (Just like real life, unsafe sex can lead to pregnancy and communicable disease.) Then the screen goes black, and you hear a bit of choice dirty talk from your partner. If you want, you can marry them, or you can leave their affections unrequited. Also: there are TONS of prostitutes–male and female–covering the waterfront, all of whom are available for hire. No patch or minigame necessary; sex is easy to find here.

It’s very GLBT-friendly. If you were playing a male character in the first Fable, there were a couple of guys you could marry. (One was a schoolteacher, I think, and one was a blacksmith.) In Fable 2, there are many more Gayz (and presumably Lesbianz) to choose from, and they’re all over the place. Also, there’s a small side-quest that involves a sweet coming out story, and it’s told very well. Perhaps this should’ve been made available to California voters several months before the last election.

It doesn’t make me want to vomit. Some games–especially first-person shooters–tend to give me vertigo and make me nauseated. (I’ve heard that this is extremely common for players of Asian heritage, but I have no data to back that up.) In fact, I’ve had to drop some games entirely because I just can’t watch the screen. Fable 2 works in third-person, meaning that the camera sits above and behind your character, and that, apparently, keeps me from hurling. So, yay.

Now for the bad news.

FABLE 2: CONS

The interface is awful. On the Xbox 360, 15 of the controller’s 16 buttons, bumpers, sticks, pads, and triggers is used. That’s a lot of fingerwork to keep track of, and it’s rarely intuitive.

The maps are totally useless. Fable 2 wants to be a “sandbox” game, meaning that the creators have created a large “sandbox” for you to explore as you please. However, the maps they’ve given you to navigate this world are minuscule, and no one without a powerful telescope would be able use them for any serious purpose. Remember in Oblivion, how you could wander vast countrysides and quickly, easily refer to a giant map for reference? Not an option here. Of course, that’s of no importance in Fable 2 because of the game’s most annoying flaw…

There’s no jumping allowed. I’m not kidding. The landscape is beautiful, and you’re given 15 buttons to interact with it, but none of those buttons allows jumping. Remember how nifty is was in Assassin’s Creed to hop up to the top of a building just for the hell of it? Remember how gorgeous the cityscape looked, sprawled out before you? Well, the Fable 2 team may have put in an assload of hours building boulders and mountains and spires, but you’re not going to be exploring them anytime soon–even when it looks like there’s cool stuff at the top of the hill. Essentially, they’ve turned Fable 2 into a moderately big, relatively flat maze a la Tomb Raider. For a game that claims to offer total freedom, this is totally frustrating, and pretty much unforgivable.

Using inventory is a drag. There’s no limit to the amount of stuff you can carry in Fable 2–weapons, gifts, treasure, clothing, food, and so on. However, to access all that goodness, you’ve got drill several clicks into a chunky, slow-ass menu system–so slow that it’s often not worth your time. In some cases, by the time I found the item I needed, I’d forgotten why I needed it in the first place. And no, sweetie, I’m not that old.

Anticlimactic isn’t the word. Seriously, the ending of Fable 2‘s main storyline is…well, remember M. Night Shamalamadingdong’s The Village? Yeah, um, EW. I mean, sure, you can keep playing after it’s done and polish off a lot of nifty side-quests, but if that’s the best they can do for the game’s ne plus ultra moment, why bother?

IN SUM

If you’re cool with maze and puzzle games, or if you really liked Clive Barker’s Jericho, you’ll probably be fine with Fable 2. However, if you were a fan of the original and were hoping to see a vastly expanded, sandboxy version of it in round two…well, can I suggest the “Shivering Isles” expansion for Oblivion instead?

* * * * *

P.S. You know, I’m just realizing that in none of the above did I ever mention the dog. Yeah, see, you’re given a dog in Fable 2–in fact, it was one of the things about the game that Peter Molyneux loved most, and it was meant to be major selling point, but honestly, it’s not that big a deal. The dog doesn’t do anything except play fetch and whine when s/he is hurt, and s/he kinda helps you in battle, but not much. The dog is essentially another NPC, but you can’t sleep with it. (Ironic, since the developers seemed to have screwed the pooch in so many other ways.) Call me old-fashioned, but throwing a tamagotchi into the middle of an RPG doesn’t seem all that groundbreaking to me.

I think I’ve made it pretty clear, my feelings about gay marriage and state constitutional amendments banning it. In sum: I think the institution of marriage is deeply flawed, and its origins are misunderstood by the general public. I think the conflation of religious marriage and civil marriage in practice and in law is troublesome, to say the least. And although we live in a democracy, I’m dubious about civil rights issues being put in the hands of voters. If we’d done that in the 1950s and 1960s, we’d still be marching to Montgomery.

Some folks who are more activist-minded than I am are organizing a series of rallies this Saturday against hate and in support of gay marriage rights. If you’re in New Orleans, meet at City Hall, 1300 Perdido Street, at 12:30pm. (There’s more info over here .) If you’re not in New Orleans, (a) I’m sorry to hear that, and (b) check this page for state-by-state listings, including another Louisiana protest in Shreveport.

Finally: I’m pretty sure that most of you have seen this editorial from Keith Olbermann, and the majority of you probably don’t need convincing, but for both of the rest of you, have a look.

Things that have recently made me say: HOLY CRAP

1. My sleep habits: I mean, I know that the time shift has thrown me off, and I know I’m an early riser, but bounding out of bed–literally, bounding–at 4:30am is unseemly.

2. Al Gore: ZOMG, he does the same thing everyone else does with profile pics (i.e. uses one that’s a decade or so out of date and rilly flattering and stuff). Yeah Al, you’re hot and all, but sweetie wasn’t that photo taken 80 pounds ago?

3. The creation of alternate universes: Which is what this $20 kit promises, but then you realize that it’s essentially a philosophical exercise. The frosted side of me is not amused.

4. The effect of shopping locally: Gambit Weekly and other alt papers around the country are encouraging readers to spend at least $100 in local shops this holiday season. That’s a pretty modest amount, and in New Orleans alone, it could pump almost $20 million into the city’s economy–which, on the contrary is no small change. (Hippies, take note: you can do this and still swear allegiance to Buy Nothing Day; just wait ’till November 29 to buy those hackysacks.)

5. Fable 2: It’s kinda goddess-awful, but I can’t stop playing. I’m OCD that way. Stay tuned for a review….

More crap from the Times-Picayune

Bruce Alpert at the Picayune has written a completely speculative article (framed as “news”) about Obama’s plans to ignore Gulf Coast recovery. If you’re not up for reading the entire goddess-awful thing–and really, who could blame you?–Alpert basically says that Katrina won’t be on Obama’s list of priorities, then spends the bulk of the piece getting quotes from Bobby Jindal, Dollar Bill, Mary Landrieu, and our other hamstrung senator who’s been in hiding so long that I can’t even remember his name. Of course, there’s nothing from Obama at all, and the “writer” obviously didn’t bother to do much Googling, because if he had, he’d have stumbled across this:

As president, Barack Obama will keep the broken promises made by President Bush to rebuild New Orleans and the Gulf Coast. He and Joe Biden will take steps to ensure that the federal government will never again allow such catastrophic failures in emergency planning and response to occur.

Barack Obama swiftly responded to Hurricane Katrina. Citing the Bush administration’s “unconscionable ineptitude” in responding to Hurricane Katrina, Obama introduced legislation requiring disaster planners to take into account the specific needs of low-income hurricane victims. Obama visited thousands of Hurricane survivors in the Houston Convention Center and later took three more trips to the region. He worked with members of the Congressional Black Caucus to introduce legislation to address the immediate income, employment, business and housing needs of Gulf Coast communities.

As president, Barack Obama will partner with the people of the Gulf Coast to rebuild now, stronger than ever.

So where was that? On Change.gov, the president-elect’s official transition website that outlines his incoming agenda. You know: the agenda the reporter was criticizing? Oops.

In light of all that, the Alpert kinda comes off like Dawn French in that skit where she plays the British royal “expert” who’s got zero insider info and is clearly a total hack:

Now, just so we’re clear: I have no problem criticizing the president. In fact, we could and should have had a LOT more of that in the early days of W’s administration. (Remember back in 2001 how excited we were that Bush could form complete sentences? And how, after September 11, questioning him was made to seem unpatriotic–nay, an act of terrorism? Who was grilling the man then?) No one is perfect, and everyone should be held to task. Everyone.

That said, at least let the man take office before you start blaming him for his failure to undo all the crap that’s been left by the previous administration. In the meantime, maybe the Picayune should try its hand at reporting, say, news.

UPDATE: Obama’s agenda is down for revisions. Good news? Bad news? Killer bees nesting in the circuitry? The breath, she is bated.

UPDATE ON THE UPDATE: Obama’s agenda is back online, with the Katrina section intact.

Am I a total douchebag for being COMPLETELY uninterested in Henry Rollins’ special on IFC tonight? Here’s the description:

Three years after the destruction of Hurricane Katrina, Henry Rollins ventures to New Orleans to examine the city’s current condition first hand. Avoiding the tourist center, Henry is overwhelmed by the lack of progress being made in the surrounding areas. In his search for answers, Henry instead discovers a fresh slate of devastating problems that now threatens this community post-Katrina. Even as tourism approaches pre-storm levels, tens of thousands of residents find themselves dealing with the depression of a city still living with the wreckage of the levee’s breach and now being victimized by a surge in violent crime.

In exclusive interviews with author Jed Horne (“Editor of leading New Orleans newspaper, “Times Picayune,” during Katrina”) and city officials like Cecile Tebo (Mental Crisis Coordinator, NO Police), and Jim Bernazanni (FBI), it becomes glaringly obvious that New Orleans still needs our help. Henry’s stage performance, at the legendary Tipitina’s music venue, is thus a tribute to the people of New Orleans who continue to persevere. Henry also has the opportunity to meet with music legend, Irma Thomas, the “Soul Queen of New Orleans,” who explains how the music community has been affected and the role they continue to play in the aftermath.

So (a) it’s slightly old, and (b) feh.

FYI, this is one in a series of IFC docs that Mr. Rollins is doing–a series called Henry Rollins: Uncut. Which brings to mind a completely different image of the man. CAN WE PLEASE SEE THAT DOCUMENTARY PLEASE PLEASE?

Dear Mr. Obama:

I am sure that by now someone has told you that you won the election. Congratulations!

Let me just say that it will be a real treat to have an articulate, intelligent, curious, debate-friendly man as America’s Next Top Spokesmodel. In the past 48 hours alone, you have given our country’s image a much needed shot in the arm. You have also made many people weep with joy, which is kind of what we do when we hear our current president speak, but with more joy. In fact, I am already tearing up at the thought of your inauguration and the dress that Michelle will wear to it. (FYI, I rather liked the red and black number from Tuesday, except for those crazy side panels. She looked like a very foxy doorway.)

But enough preamble. I am an impatient man, and judging from your metabolism, I can only guess that you’re the antsy sort, too. Therefore, I will get right down to business with my wish list. I know that you are probably receiving many such lists right now, but I have been ESPECIALLY good this year, so please take that into consideration. Now, in order of importance:

1. Find a way out of Iraq and Afghanistan. I know that we keep saying that we have to “win”, but your predecessor has made the war unwinnable by calling it a War on Terror, which is akin to having a War on Anger or Happiness or Melancholy or Ooginess (i.e. UTTER NONSENSE). We all know that the Iraqis and Afghans aren’t going to step up until we step out, so find a way to save face and back quietly out of the very sandy room.

2. Fix the economy. I can’t even balance my checkbook–assuming people do that kind of thing anymore–so I can’t offer any suggestions on how you might make this happen, but surely you know someone with banking savvy. If all else fails, ask Michelle–she looks like she’s good with budgets. (Note: fixing the economy will probably be easier once you deal with item #1, which is why I put it first. I am smarter than I look.)

3. Encourage the development of new energy resources. Don’t penalize the oil industry or the auto makers or anything, but offer incentives for them to move on. You know: attracting more flies with honey and all that.

4. Push equal protection legislation for GLBT folks. It’s a few simple words we’re asking for. You can probably just amend the Civil Rights Act of 1964. (If you don’t have it in MS Word format, I’ll email you a copy.) You don’t have to talk so much about marriage or military service or anything, but those will follow. AS THEY SHOULD.

5. Change the tone of religion in politics. I’m not asking you to show that Democrats can be just as bible-thumpy as Republicans. I’m asking you to show that there are multiple ways to be religious in America–including being non-religious. Religion is frustrating and divisive, and in 2008, we could probably do with a little less of that.

6. Be transparent. I don’t mean like the Invisible Man–though, you know, that’s kind of eloquent, when you think of the Ralph Ellison novel. No: I mean stay in front of us. Talk to us and let us know what you’re doing. Let us ask questions of you, and try to answer them sincerely. As someone living with both a president and a mayor who can do none of those things, I can’t tell you how important it is.

Well, that’s it for now. If I think of anything else, I’ll let you know. Give my regards to the family–and for goddess’ sake, please visit the SPCA for that damned puppy!

Your fan,

I really mean that,

I have also been really, really good,

Richard

I repeat, because it’s important: it is more than a little ironic that on the same day America saw a major civil rights victory, we also saw numerous civil rights setbacks. Even worse: those setbacks were delivered at the hands of many people who voted for Obama.

I am not sold on this election.

Rest assured, I voted for Obama. (I’m not quite a Yellow Dog Democrat, but I was born with a case of jaundice, so, you know: close.) And I’m happy that he won, and I’m happy that some of the candidates using hatred and xenophobia this election cycle got totally busted, and I’m especially happy that Sarah Palin will remain about as far from Pennsylvania Avenue as anyone can be and still remain on US soil, because that woman would be more like Bush than Bush: okay on-script, but at heart, a complete idiot and a puppet.

However: there were some significant losses yesterday, namely on the gay marriage front. Now, I don’t necessarily think that gay marriage is the be-all and end-all of GLBT rights–in fact, I think an equal protection clause would be more effective and useful for us. And no matter what the results of yesterday’s showdown might’ve been, I still wouldn’t be able to marry in my home state of Louisiana. But it’s still not pleasant being told that your relationship is somehow less valid–in the eyes of the public, the IRS, hospitals, etc.–than some late-night drunken Las Vegas wedding chapel hitching. (I’m looking at you, Britney.) I mean, Jonno and I have been together longer than any of my mother’s or father’s recent marriages. Doesn’t that count for something?

More to the point: it is more than a little ironic that on the same day America saw a major civil rights victory, we also saw numerous civil rights setbacks. Even worse: those setbacks were delivered at the hands of many people who voted for Obama.

I hate to resort to cliched arguments, but why was it okay for the civil rights battles of the 1950s and 1960s to be decided by judges, while today’s civil rights battles have to go to referendum? Wouldn’t it be in everyone’s best interest to acknowledge civil rights and put some of this stuff behind us, so that races could be about economic packages and foreign policy and other real issues? Hell, Dems could have a reasonable shot at wooing Christian conservatives, and the GOP might be able to win more of the GLBT vote. Or would that just bore everyone to tears and keep them home on election day?

But beyond the GLBT-rights losses, there’s another issue, a more personal one: this race brought out serious emotions in my friends and colleagues. While I know many will be over the moon today, plenty of others will want to crawl under a rock. And while I could gloat and say, “Now you know how we’ve felt for the last eight years,” I don’t plan on doing anything of the kind. Maybe it’s because I like to see both sides of an argument, or more likely because I don’t like seeing people in anguish, but I’m just going to tread softly for a while until everything’s back to normal.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? GO VOTE!

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 31, IS FOR MUSIC!

First, the obvious:

And for anyone who’s interested, download info for same:

Skinny Puppy: “Fritter (Stella’s Home)” [download]

Taunt: “Ministry vs. Kelis” [download]

Jim Backus & Phyllis Diller: “Delicious!” [download]

Jimmy Castor Bunch: “Troglodyte” [download]

Don’t say I never gave you anything for Halloween. Because, you know, Halloween is a holiday for giving, and I give a lot–not only candy, flowers, and music that you’ve had in your own collection since 1985, but also headaches, pains in the neck, and creepy, late-night, dorm room backrubs.

What can I say? I’m a giver.