Nancy Pelosi: Hear ye, hear ye! The July meeting of the Esteemed Nancys of the Nine will now come to order. Secretary Nancy, did you distribute the documents from our last meeting?

 

 

Nancy Kulp: Sure did, Chief Nancy!

 

 

Nancy Pelosi: All right, then I’ll entertain a motion from the Nancies to approve the June minutes —

 

 

Nancy Reagan: (Quietly) No.

 

 

Nancy Pelosi: Oh, god.

 

 

Nancy Reagan: (Louder) Nnnnnnnno.

 

 

Nancy Pelosi: Where is that coming from?

 

 

Nancy Reagan: (Shouting) NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

 

 

Nancy Pelosi: Crap. Security!

 

Nancy McKeon: Yo, Mrs. P., why do you keep asking Mrs. R. back? All she ever says is “no”.

 

 

Nancy Pelosi: Too bad she couldn’t say it to old randy Ronnie — the world might’ve been spared Ron Reagan Jr. Can you believe how much airtime we wasted on that flaming queen?

 

 

Nancy Kulp: Should I be taking this down, Chief?

 

 

Nancy Reagan: No!

 

 

Nancy Pelosi: No! I mean, YES! Goddammit, Nancy —

 

 

Nancy Walker: I move to accept the June minutes as written.

 

 

Nancy Pelosi: Thank you, Nancy. Finally, a voice of reason. (Sighs, swigs heavily from a Gorham “Chantilly” flask.)

 

 

Nancy Grace: Are you kidding? That woman made a movie with Bruce Jenner and the Village People. If that’s “reason”, I call a mistrial.

 

 

Nancy Kerrigan: Whyyyyy?

 

 

Nancy Grace: That’s what I said when my my husband brought it home from Blockbuster.

 

 

Nancy Kerrigan: Whyyyyy?

 

 

Nancy Grace: That’s what my husband said when Blockbuster refused to take it back.

 

 

Nancy Kerrigan: Whyyyyy?

 

 

Nancy Grace: Can it, crybaby, before I pay Greta Van Susteren to break your other knee.

 

 

Nancy Drew: Jeepers, you guys! I just figured out how Ms. Reagan got inside! See, when I arrived, I noticed that one of the security guards was wearing a green belt, but normally, they wear red. So, using my womanly intuition and uncommonly high IQ, I sent my fat friend Bess to do some snooping, and later, as she was snarfing down fistfuls of cinnamon buns, she mumbled that green is the color of —

 

Nancy Wilson: (Entering) Stop!

 

 

Nancy Pelosi: Who in the Calgon are you?

 

 

Nancy Wilson: I’m the real Nancy Wilson!

 

 

Nancy Wilson: The hell you are! I’M the real Nancy Wilson.

 

 

Nancy Wilson: Screw you, bitch. I’m the voice behind “Guess Who I Saw Today”!

 

 

Nancy Wilson: And I’M the voice behind “Barracuda”. And “Dog and Butterfly”. And “Magic Man”.

 

 

Nancy Wilson: Don’t forget “What About Love”, you no-talent, two-bit hack!

 

 

Nancy Wilson: And “Crazy On You”, which is what I’m about to go!

 

 

Nancy Wilson: Stay away from me you Jenny Craig-shilling freak!

 

 

Nancy Wilson: That is my SISTER, you COW!

 

 

(Fistfight breaks out between the Nancy Wilsons)

 

 

Nancy Reagan: Yes!

 

 

Paul Lynde: (Entering) Excuse me, girls, is this Knitting for Nancys 101?

 

 

All Nancys: NO!

 

 

(Nine of the Nancys present descend on PAUL LYNDE — NANCY KULP being occupied with taking notes. They attack him with his own knitting needles, devouring his innards as they go. It’s like a scene out of The Bacchae crossed with a particularly sensitive episode from The Golden Girls, with a dash of Steel Magnolias thrown in for hamminess.)

(The remainder of the meeting proceeds without incident, though there is an interminable discussion about changing the group’s name to include the recently arrived 10th Nancy. An ad hoc committee to study the matter is created, the August meeting date is finalized, and NANCY WALKER is officially thanked for offering to stay and clean up the cannibal feast with Bounty paper towels. The chair adjourns the meeting at 6:03pm.)