23 Resolutions For The 46 Days Of Lent


I’m not religious. Frankly, I think organized religion has done more harm than good on Planet Earth. Instead of filling the bellies of people who have nothing, religion has taken the cheap route and filled their minds with excuses to argue and kill other people who have nothing. (See, for example, much of Medieval Europe, much of the current Middle East, and Mississippi. Basically, any place or era that starts with the letter “M”.)

However, there are some parts of religion that I like. One of those is Lent. Like most people, I have a number of bad habits, and Lent is a structured way to help break them. And so, here’s my to-do list for the next 46 days.

  1. I will stop using glitter as eyeshadow.
  2. I will stop using Elmer’s Glue as pomade.
  3. I will find and purchase facial cleanser in bulk.
  4. Ditto for nail polish remover.
  5. I will buy a third tuxedo.
  6. I will take more photos.
  7. I will learn to wear layers.
  8. I will do light-cleans of my house more often so that I can spend less time deep-cleaning like a maniac two hours before company arrives.
  9. I will purchase a storage solution solely for sequins.
  10. I will purchase a second storage solution solely for E6000 and spray adhesive.
  11. I will begin tidying and cleaning the attic.
  12. If it’s in the attic and it doesn’t have my name on it (e.g. a diploma, a trophy) and/or I haven’t looked at it in two years, it’s going to a garage sale or the garbage can.
  13. I will be honest about my inability to lose weight and accept the fact that there are some costumes in our collection that I will never be able to wear again. And some I should never have worn in the first place.
  14. I will teach my husband and my boyfriend to sew.
  15. I will be more tolerant of young adults and other tourists who come to New Orleans to party like it’s 1999. I mean, they don’t know any better.
  16. I will be more tolerant of tacky bitches, who also don’t know any better.
  17. I will make a concerted effort to meet up with friends for occasional lunches and dinners instead of waiting for them to contact me.
  18. I will do something about my social anxiety. That something may include completely shutting myself off from the world and wearing a veil for the rest of my days, or it may include prescription drugs.
  19. I will take more naps surrounded by hounds.
  20. I will drink a little more.
  21. I will exercise a little more.
  22. I will write for myself a little more.
  23. I will play with my Xbox a little less. Except for Dragon Age: Inquisition, because I’m going to beat the hell out of that game if it kills me.

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