sturtle [dot] com

Richard…

• has been doing far more microblogging than is actually necessary.

• thinks Twitter may have killed his ability to think beyond 140 characters at a time.

• wonders when nanoblogging will supplant microblogging.

• thinks “microblogging” sounds kinda dirty, but says it anyway. ALL THE TIME, OBVS.

• thinks that ALL CAPS is starting to feel very 2008.

• is wondering when/if you’re going see Grenadine McGunkle. ‘Cause we’re not doing it next year, Mary.

• wants absolutely nothing for xmas. Except possibly less stuff. One gift card for antimatter, please.

• is going to spend this evening butching out with some 9-gauge wire and a blowtorch.

• should have a rather nifty Carnival-related announcement to make very soon. Stay tuned.

• wonders which of his friends who have threatened to visit during Carnival will actually follow-up. All of them, I hope.

• has had Billy Joel stuck in his head for the past eight hours (“It’s Still Rock and Roll to Me”). What the hell did I do?

• needs a break. Not a vacation. Definitely not a holiday. A BREAK.

Words to live by, from Tom Ford:

There’s one indulgence every man should try in his lifetime: If you’re straight, sleep with a man at least once, and if you’re gay, don’t go through life without sleeping with a woman. Either way, you might be surprised at how natural it will feel if you can get past the mind-fuck of stereotypes. In the end, it’s just another person that you are relating to in a physical way. [Details, via NY Mag]

I’m not always Tom’s biggest fan, but that’s pretty good advice. I am wondering, however, when’s the last time he’s paid a visit to the va-jay-jay–fragrance bottle avatars notwithstanding [nsfw].

Omigoddess, y’all: erstwhile Running With Scissors stalwart and current San Francisco treat James “Jimsey” Jeske is appearing as C3P0 in Star Wars: Live on Stage! If you’re on the West Coast, run–do not walk— to the Dark Room Theatre to catch one of only eight performances. The rest of you, check out the slideshow from SF Weekly.com and this nifty writeup.

Important to note: the production has a costume budget of about $100. For you non-theatre types, that’s about 1/4 of the fabric budget for a normal show. Does not everyone on that stage look awesome for $100? That Jimsey: so damn crafty!

ROCK AND ROLL SPACE MONKEY!

A couple of months ago, I mentioned my sister’s newest Flash game, Rock and Roll Space Monkey. The premise is pretty simple: you are a rock and roll monkey. In space. And you shoot things–crazy, crazy things. Also: you play a lot of badass music that sounds like rock and roll. If this game does nothing else–and it does plenty, y’all—it demonstrates that Tiff knows how to work a theme in a TOTALLY AWESOME way.

Anyway, the game wasn’t really ready at the time, so I pulled the link. But now, the moment of truth has arrived, and people love it!

Then the theme song plays, and it’s the greatest theme song in the history of all mankind. I mean, look at how cool that monkey is. Just look at him! I’m not joking. There is no joke coming. He ranks right up there with Mr Fancy Pants in the list of top ten super sweet gaming protagonists. [BigMeanFlashGamer]

If you’re on a network that doesn’t filter content (as mine sadly does) then you can start playing it right now. Screw those end-of-year summaries and expense reports: rock out with your macaque out.

JINGLE BELL GLOCK

Were you fool enough to ride out Katrina over by your mama’s house? After the storm, did the Boys in Blue putter by in a tricked-out swamp cruiser and declare that they would be better stewards of your Cadillac, your plasma TV, and your Remington 12-gauge? Well, Xmas has come early, kiddo: thanks to a new program overseen by the people who violated your Second Amendment rights in the first place, now you can get the 12-gauge back!

To retrieve your confiscated weapon, just read and follow the list of procedures below. Please note, however, that there’s no guarantee the NOPD has your firearm. (Sometimes they lose things. Nobody’s perfect!) But don’t let that stop you from saying a couple of quick novena’s to St. Jude and dropping by the Evidence Room. With a little luck and a little “palm grease”, you’ll be shooting yourself in the leg in no time!

---

Hurricane Katrina Firearms

City will return lawfully possessed firearms that came into possession of the New Orleans Police Department during the Hurricane Katrina period, August 29, 2005, to December 31, 2005.

What:

Those who may have had a firearm turned into the New Orleans Police during the Hurricane Katrina and aftermath period, August 29 to December 31, 2005, may apply for its return.

Who:

New Orleans Police Department

When:

Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Office hours, 8 a.m. to 2 p.m.

Where:

1116 Magnolia Street, New Orleans, LA 70115

How:

Complete this Firearm Release Form and submit in person to the New Orleans Police Department.

Firearm Release Form Directions/FAQ

• This form only applies to firearms that came into the custody of the New Orleans Department during the period of Hurricane Katrina from August 29, 2005 to December 31, 2005.

• There is no guarantee that we have your firearm!

• IT ONLY APPLIES TO FIREARMS THAT WERE LAWFULLY POSSESSED.

• IF IT CAME INTO CUSTODY AS THE RESULT OF AN ARREST OR MUNICIPAL CITATION, OR IF IT IS EVIDENCE, THE FIREARM REQUIRES A COURT ORDER BEFORE IT MAY BE RELEASED.

• The form must be submitted with all fields completed in order to identify the proper firearm.

• IF UNKNOWN OR NOT APPLICABLE, LEAVE THE FIELD BLANK.

• The Form should be submitted in person to the New Orleans Police Department.

• The Claimant is the firearm owner and the person who fills out the form.

• Once NOPD receives the completed form which sets forth the specific identifying characteristics, a search for the firearm will be conducted.

• If the search is successful, the Claimant will be asked to personally examine and verify ownership.

• Only the Claimant may come in and inspect the firearm.

• Proper identification, such as a driver’s license or state ID, will be required at the inspection.

• The Claimant’s name will be run through a background check to determine if the Claimant is legally able to possess a firearm.

• If it is determined that a particular firearm is in fact Claimant’s, the Claimant will be required to sign the Affidavit part at the bottom of the form at the Evidence Room.

• The Claimant will also be required to complete a Release and Hold Harmless Agreement, agreeing to indemnify the City should a dispute arise as to the ownership of a firearm returned under these procedures.

• This Release and Hold Harmless form must be signed in front of a Notary Public.

• Once this release is returned by the Claimant to the Evidence Room, the firearm will be released to the Claimant.

• Children should not be brought to the Evidence Room.

If there are any questions, please contact Sgt Robert Blanchard at (504) 658-5550

Note: This is only for lawfully possessed firearms for the applicable period, and does not apply to any firearm that is being held as evidence in a case or investigation.

–via the always unintentionally entertaining CityOfNO.com.

I’ve spent the last 15 minutes staring at this sentence. But why?

A teenage couple was shot Friday night while the pair was apparently enjoying each other’s company in the backyard of what appears to be the home of the boyfriend’s parents, police said…. (nola.com)

Is it the weirdly tentative tone of the sentence, with its “apparently” and “appears to be”? Is it the weirdly suggestive tone of the sentence, with its “enjoying each other’s company”? Or is it just the clunky, stilted grammar? WHY CAN’T I MOVE ON?

FYI, the violent crime associated with the event is not what’s giving me pause. (Hello: New Orleans? Most Dangerous City in the US?) For those who don’t want to click through to read the whole piece, the kids are fine.

FEMA SURPRISES WITH A BOOST TO MY PERSONAL ECONOMY

As you recall, we had a couple of hurricanes this season. By and large, New Orleans dodged the proverbial bullet (NB: Is there really a proverb about bullets?), but the majority of us still chose to evacuate for Gustav. Yeah, we may be stereotypically stubborn down here, but 90% of us know when to take a hint. And Katrina was a VERY BIG HINT.

As you may also recall, the evacuation did not go exactly as planned. Leaving, we were dicked over by Mississippi governor Haley Barbour, when he chose to shut down I-10 eastbound and forced everyone up I-59. Returning, we were screwed by our screwball mayor, who couldn’t seem to make up his mind about the process of re-entry. The Picayune even published an editorial entitled “Next Time, We’re Not Leaving”. It was definitely a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t moment.

At long last, however, there is some good news to report: FEMA has now made housing assistance available for everyone who evacuated. Specifically: FEMA will reimburse you for the cost of your hotel stay during the evacuation. Seriously: check the image at the top of this post. That’s the letter I got from FEMA just this morning. They’re not going to cover gas or meals or admission to the botanical gardens, but it’s better than nothing.

If you haven’t signed up for disaster assistance from FEMA, you still have time to do so. Click here to visit the Hurricane Gustav disaster page, then follow the links at the top to apply. Eventually, FEMA will kick out a letter and a reimbursement form for you to fill out and turn in. While you’re waiting for that to show up, you should probably go ahead and call the hotel where you stayed during your “hurrication”–unless you’re the really organized type who keeps these sorts of things lying around in accordion files. I am not.

Good luck!

You know, of course, that in mid-November, “Meh” became a real word. Like, Scrabbleworthy and everything.

Sadly, “Meh” is so new to the dictionary that it doesn’t have an illustration to accompany or explain it. Luckily, I’ve just found one: Proposition 8: The Musical, penned by Marc Shaiman. On the one hand, this quasi-campy bonbon is many days late and many dollars short; plus it features Jack Black. On the other hand, there’s Maya Rudolph. Which makes it an unqualified “Meh” in my book:

http://player.ordienetworks.com/flash/fodplayer.swf

[via Mr. Cortale]

I hate blog posts and status updates that begin, “OMG, I’m sooooo tired”, or “OMG, it is Friday yet?!?”, or “OMG, must…have…coffee….”

That said, I know that I’m personally guilty of at least two of the three. Also: I am damn tired, undercaffeinated, and wishing it were Friday. Blargh.

Until I come up for air again, try these vids on for size–two sent by closepersonalfriend and legendary New Orleanian, Mara Bentley, recently relocated to the Rio Grande. The dwellers of the border towns are the richer, clearly:

Les Inconnus: Auteuil Neuilly Passy

Hey, New Orleans: is it just me, or is Doug MacCash a total douchebag?

I’ve had a beef with the guy for years–largely because of his policies on reviewing visual arts exhibitions. And let’s not even discuss his “taste level” (as a reviewer or as an artist). But now with Prospect.1, MacCash has given me a whole new set of things to complain about.

Full disclosure: I’m pretty close to Prospect.1, but even with that taken into account, it would seem to me, or to any fan of the visual arts, that MacCash simply doesn’t get what Prospect.1 is meant to be. More fundamentally: it seems MacCash has no idea what a biennial is meant to be.

Let’s go back to the weekend Prospect.1 opened. You know what got the cover focus of Lagniappe, the Picayune‘s arts and entertainment pullout? A haunted house. A freaking haunted house–instead of the largest international exhibition of contemporary art ever coordinated in the US. A freaking haunted house–instead of a major coup for the city of New Orleans and its citizens. A freaking haunted house–instead of a massive event that could drive tourism and the cultural economy for months to come.

Then there’s today’s article on the Universal Furniture building in the Bywater, which is being used for a P.1. exhibition of Pierre & Gilles’ work, as well as a group show by local artists. In his lead-in, MacCash says:

[Prospect.1] was a good news, bad news story for Crescent City artists. The good news: Big-time New York art curator Dan Cameron planned to produce the largest contemporary art show in U.S. history, drawing thousands of well-heeled collectors and art tourists. The bad news: The vast majority of New Orleans artists weren’t invited to be in it.

It’s as if MacCash’s understanding of the international art scene stops at the parish line. As if he’d expect the biennials at Venice or the Whitney to feature exclusively Venetian or New York artists, respectively. As if he’s disappointed to see leading contemporary artists from around the globe showing their work in New Orleans. For free.

As though that weren’t bad enough, MacCash then gives square footage to the ever-clueless Andy Antippas, who complains that P.1 is “elitist”. To which I say: WELL OF COURSE IT’S ELITIST: IT’S ABOUT THE BEST NEW WORK IN THE WORLD, BITCH.

My take: elitism is a necessary evil. It’s what keeps music, fashion, literature, design, food–everything moving forward. It’s what we do every time we say, “I’m over that, let’s move on.” You and I, we practice it ourselves every day. So, Mr. Antippas, yes, it’s elitist. BFD. You want to put together a show of grandmotherly string art from the YWCA, do it on your own dime.

New Orleans has moved beyond parochialism in so many ways, especially since The Storm. Sure, it lingers in the culinary arts, but we rule the school on that front: we can afford to be a little snooty. Visual arts, on the other hand? I mean, some of my best friends are artist, and there’s definitely some good stuff going on here, but c’mon…