I have never, ever been skinny.

I have tried. I’ve counted calories since seventh grade. (So far today, I’m at 920.) Thanks to rigorous gym routines and substantial doses of Creatine, I have become less chunky at times, and for a couple of years, I was even lean-ish. But never skinny.

I’ve toyed with saying to hell with it and really trying to pack on pounds. We tend to style ourselves after others we find attractive, and since I’ve always preferred guys with meat on their bones, why not join the crowd?

Unfortunately, I’ve never been able to break into beefyland. Even after Jonno and I got hitched and I started packing on the marriage pounds, I hit a plateau where my metabolism and my calorie consumption hung in balance. The photo above was taken near my top-end. (I have  a gut there, you just can’t see it.) Since then, I’ve hovered 10 or 15 pounds north of my ideal weight, and that’s the way it’s likely to remain. BFD.

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There are lots of guys built like me, so I don’t think I’m especially weird (in this respect, anyway). But the gay world and gay media tend to push folks like me toward extremes — particularly, toward one of the three ideal gay body types: the twink, the muscleboy, and the bear.

Attaining a twink body is impossible for most. If I were to try, I’d end up like those frustrated, emotionally ravaged women on Super Skinny Me, or possibly at the bottom of the Mississippi. Going muscly is just as maddening, demanding severe exercise regimes and constant monitoring of food intake (way more than just counting calories). The bear body, on the other hand, is a bit more “natural”, and something that many guys grow into. But some get impatient waiting for that to happen. Which leads me to the whole point of this post: the world of gainers and feeders.

Gainers (i.e. guys who want to gain weight) and feeders (i.e. the guys helping them bulk up) may look like they’re a part of bear culture — and in terms of end results, maybe they are — but to my mind, they slightly different breed. Most of the bears and bear admirers that I know simply like big guys, but what gainers and feeders really fetishize is food. So, instead of using sex to act out roles of domination and submission, gainers and feeders use cheeseburgers, pastrami sandwiches, and beer.

That’s not really my scene, but that’s mostly because I don’t associate food with sex. I don’t find food particularly erotic (sensual, but not erotic), and I’ve never enjoyed getting busy after a meal. Even that refrigerator scene from 9 1/2 Weeks doesn’t do anything for me — apart from the hotness that is Mickey Rourke pre-silicone.

But there are plenty of others who enjoy it, and for them, Frederic Moffet put together the short film Hard Fat (mostly SFW). I hadn’t seen it for several years, but I stumbled across it just a couple of days ago, and it’s still worth a look:

http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=10307976&server=vimeo.com&show_title=1&show_byline=1&show_portrait=0&color=&fullscreen=1

[via CTRL+W33D]

Michael Lohan in 2008, commenting on a rumored wedding between his daughter, Lindsay Lohan, and DJ Samantha Ronson:

“I haven’t heard anything (about an upcoming wedding) from Lindsay, but if she was marrying Sam, I don’t think she’d ask me to walk her down the aisle,” says Michael. “She knows about my (Christian) faith …  she just wouldn’t ask.” [MSNBC]

Above: Michael Lohan last week, grinding his Christian cock against the backside of pornstar Gina Lynn for the paparazzi. At a press conference that was not about porn. While his fiancee watched. [TheSuperficial]

The man responsible for much of my teen rebellion has died from cancer at age 64. I don’t get starstruck as a rule, and there aren’t many people on Planet Earth who’d make me giddy and nervous, but Malcolm McLaren was one of them. Rest in peace, sugar. Rest in peace.

1. Here’s something mom forgot to teach me: if you’re an out-of-work musician/filmmaker, writing a good electro dance parody and performing it half-naked on the interweb is a good way to get attention:

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2. Singing about having sex with other men in public restrooms can also make you internet famous:

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3. This is the best headline I will (mis)read all week: “Southern Republican Leadership Conference bringing party activists to New Orleans”. Woo!

Although I’m sure they probably made Lifetime’s PR team breathe a sigh of relief. “Thank goddess we finally have some images to promote our new original documentary series, Mascara Can Run, But It Can Never Hide: The High Price of Prostitution, Child Slavery, and Gold-Digging in America. Now, who wants appletinis?”

For those of you who didn’t/couldn’t make it out for the 2010 Bunny Hop last Saturday, the housemate has cobbled together a video that manages to make the entire event look even more fun than it was. Yay.

It seems a little weird to call your partner of 13 years your “boyfriend”, but these are the sacrifices we make for alliteration.

…otherwise, one of you would’ve told me that (a) someone is remaking Rosemary’s Baby, (b) that someone is Michael Bay, and (c) Lindsay Lohan is likely to star as Rosemary.

Which is not only a terrible idea in general, but it’s also a monstrously bad casting decision. I mean, if anything, LiLo was born to play Satan’s baby.

[via SocialiteLife]

1. In New York, apparently you can ride the subway completely naked (or half-naked in winter), and no one will bother you

I think I would’ve gotten a very different reaction if I’d pulled this stunt on the F train during my NYU days. The Hasids glared at me plenty when I was just in jeans and tees.

P.S. April Fool’s, one day late! (Which you probably already figured out because they changed the title of the video, but still.)

2. Jack Long has posted the piece he read at last week’s literary extragavanza, HOW  I LEARNED ABOUT SEX. You know, in case you missed it.

3. Mark Ryden has gone all time-lapsey:

4. I have a hard time believing that Alice in Wonderland has been used to shill cars, but there you go:

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s been a while since I was in grad school, so I’m wondering if you could parse this photo and tell me what exactly the fuck is going on.

I mean, I know what’s going on in a literal sense because the photo came with all kinds of longwinded crazy info*. But in a post-Foucaultian, neo-Lacanian sense, what the hizell?

Also: does this mean that pedophilia has finally replaced skinny jeans as the new thing? Because I don’t follow trends much, but I’m REALLY over skinny jeans.

[via TheSuperficial]

* ANAHEIM, CA – MARCH 26:  In this handout image provided by Disneyland, Ryan Seacrest (R) and Justin Bieber prepare to watch “Captain EO” with more than 500 fans at Disneyland on March 26, 2010 in Anaheim, California. Contest winners from all over the country joined Seacrest and Bieber for a private event at Disneyland to celebrate the release of Bieber’s latest CD.  (Photo by Handout/Getty Images)