<![CDATA[The glamourous ball of silicone, botulism, and melanoma known as Donatella Versace has been spotted going topless at the beach. Obviously, it's no big deal to her. And you know, props to a woman of some age sporting half a bikini in public. But, um, perhaps Helen Mirren is a better example to follow:

…here is a video of Bradley Cooper at a Croatian nude beach. It is, regrettably, pretty safe for work. Unless maybe you work at a Christian bookstore, in which case: why the hell are you working on a Sunday anyway?

Now is as good a time as any to point out that two of my most talented friends have begun writing (again):

• Chriso has maintained blogs before, but his newest project is a bit different. It’s called, Dear Dad, and his posts consist of letters to his late father. I know I’m not doing a very good job of selling it, and I’m making it sound depressing, but you’ll just have to trust me: Chriso is smarter than that. He is also a very good drummer. And funny. And cute. And single. So, you know, go for it, fellas.

• Jack has begun a blog called, appropriately, Jack in New Orleans. If you’ve seen any of our shows, you might know that Jack has writing credits on The Titanic Adventures of the Love Boat Poseidon and Carrie’s Facts of Life, among other titles. He also plays a mean lady. I’m happy to see him on Blogspot, but I think he’d really thrive on Tumblr. Perhaps I will introduce him. Or them. Whatever you call it when you introduce people to inanimate objects.

Anyway, in case you’re looking for more time-suckage: YOU’RE WELCOME.

…this song? The Roxy, 1990, surprise gifts in the bathroom, strobe lights, Linda Evangelista and possibly Tatjana Patitz cutting up on the swing above the dance floor, me asking the bartender for a gin and tonic, her replying that they were out of tonic, me saying, okay, make it a vodka tonic, her handing me a glass of ice and vodka, but I really didn’t care because holy freakin’ hell that shit from the bathroom was strong.

That’s what I’m saying about this song. Thanks (indirectly) to CTRL+W33D, I now know who made it so I guess I can relive the fun whenever I want. Which will probably not be often, but you never know.

P.S. If you go looking for it, the title of the song is “Acid Crash” by Tyree. Remember acid house, y’all?

[via Towleroad]

I’m not entirely sure why The Awl ran a piece yesterday entitled “Dear Conservative Movement: Stop Ruining My Life, by Michael Brendan Dougherty”. I suppose it’s topical, given this week’s shift in the U.S. senate shell game. (I don’t see Scott Brown’s election as a “groundswell” as some do, but in logistical terms, yeah, it’s a pretty big deal.) And I suppose that it’s nice for a progressive media outlet to give a voice to outside opinions now and then. And I suppose it’s also in keeping with The Awl’s tone, which is equally, intelligently critical of both parties, and also Joe Lieberman. Especially Joe Lieberman.

But whatever: they ran the piece. And I read it. And as in a certain well-known fairy tale, the scales fell from my eyes.

Backstory: like many arrogant, contrarian assholes, I don’t enjoy being pigeonholed, and although I’ve voted Democrat for as long as I can remember, I like to think of myself as open-minded. I work with Republicans. I have Republican friends. My adoptive family is a bunch of gun-toting bible-thumpers (but they thump in such a lovable way). So I admit it: I’ve fallen into that terrible trap of saying that I’m “fiscally conservative but socially liberal”.

But you know what? Fuck it. I don’t think anyone can be both those things. Well, not simultaneously.

In his piece, Dougherty more or less takes the fiscal conservative/social liberal position. He asks the Republican party to drop headline-grabbing distractions like abortion and gay marriage and focus on core issues like lower taxes and smaller government. But while those may sound like laudable goals, what’s far more important to me than smaller government is efficient government — specifically, efficient government that provides important services to the public. And frankly, if you put the public’s best interests at the top of your priority list, I don’t think you have time to get hung up on the size of an organizational chart. Providing services like education (e.g. public schools) and health care (e.g. Medicare/Medicaid) is a big job, and to do it properly requires big government. Even if those jobs are outsourced, the bills and oversight required will be huge. And until the U.S. government is able to generate its own revenue by selling, I don’t know, Ultimate Snuggies maybe, then taxes are the only way to fund these programs. It’s the price we pay for living in a first-world country. Suck it up.

Dougherty’s young, edgy, gay-friendly attitude also fails to seduce me on libertarian, fend-for-yourself policies. As I’ve said before, those would be fine if the world was full of nothing but doughy, middle-class self-starters, but some people just can’t make it on their own. They need help. Republicans have shown that they’re not immune to those pleas for assistance — hell, even Rush Limbaugh has supported giving to Haitian relief efforts (just not through WhiteHouse.gov). So how is it that giving to the sick and homeless in Haiti is “charity”, but giving to the sick and homeless in America is a “handout”? It’s human to want to help others; why would anyone fight that impulse tooth and nail? (Answer: to prove their manhood. Libertarians dream of being the financial world’s equivalent of Bear effing Grylls.)

And don’t get me started on Dougherty’s isolationist babble. Those sort of policies — especially today — are doomed to failure. No communication, no collaboration = no growth.

So apparently, even Republican hipsters (two words rarely jammed together) can’t persuade me that there’s any redeeming elements in the conservative platform. Which means that as of yesterday, I’ve become completely comfortable wearing the mantle of a Tax-and-Spend Liberal.  Anyone wanna make an iron-on patch for my tie-died denim housecoat?

Yesterday, BoingBoing posted a link to an article by Glenn Reynolds, which told Americans that the disaster in Haiti was a great reminder to follow the Boy Scout motto: “Be Prepared”.

At first I thought, “Wow, slow news day?” Then I thought, “Fucking ‘Be Prepared’ doesn’t begin to cut it, Glenn.”*

Here is the problem: no one can be fully prepared for disasters like the one unfolding in Haiti. Even in New Orleans, where we had time to hunker down before Katrina made landfall, there was chaos after the storm — and I’m sure that would’ve happened even if we hadn’t been led by a quadrumvirate of incompetents. During disasters, disastrous stuff happens: things get out of hand. And as the Gustav evacuation/revacuation debacle demonstrated, things don’t get any easier the second time around.

But although I don’t think we can be truly prepared for disasters in terms of our physical resources, there are ways to prepare ourselves emotionally and intellectually for the aftermath. Here are a few lessons New Orleans learned after Katrina, and if current media coverage of Haiti is any guide, I’m guessing they’ll be applicable there, too:

Haiti should expect help
The outpouring of emotional and financial support for Haiti has been remarkable. I won’t say that it’s unprecedented, though some of the fundraising methods certainly have been. Even asshats like Rush Limbaugh have encouraged people to support relief organizations (though in Limbaugh’s case, he’s advocated donating directly to agencies rather than through the White House website). As isolationist and blind-eye-turning as some may want to be, at the end of the day, we’re all human, and something inside most of us wants to lend a hand to people in need. That’s why half the world’s NGOs exist.

Haiti should expect interlopers
Many people came to New Orleans after Katrina to lend a hand. Most of them took a look at what needed to be done and did it, carrying us a little further down the road toward normality. Unfortunately, a few alleged “helpers” wanted to rebuild New Orleans in their own image. They didn’t care about our culture, our history, our identity; they wanted to tear things down and put in new clean strip malls. (Note: this group does not include Brad Pitt, whose exercises in experimental architecture and community building have been exemplary, not to mention selfless.) Many of us became a little gun-shy of these — for lack of a better word — carpetbaggers. Worse: Haiti has far fewer resources with which to fend them off than we did.

Haiti should expect to be watched like a hawk
For days, the media has run stories of looting and chaos in the streets. Many people have rightly pointed out that it’s not looting if you’re taking food and water for your family. But as in New Orleans, a smaller population of profiteers have marred Haiti’s entire population. I’m sorry to say it, but the narratives of chaos, blackmail, and instability aren’t likely to stop anytime soon.

Haiti should expect to be blamed
Even now, with search and rescue efforts ongoing, fingers are being pointed. People are forgetting about the vagaries of platectonics and looking for someone to blame for the earthquake. Haiti’s own government will have to shoulder some of that. Haiti’s citizens will, too. They weren’t prepared, the arguments will go. Their response was clumsy. And afterward, they couldn’t be helped. I can’t fathom why anyone would blame Hatians for being dazed and disoriented after surviving a massive earthquake in which tens of thousands perished, but someone will.  

Haiti should expect things to be different
Haiti’s normal will be a “new normal”. Hatians’ circles of friends will change. Habits and patterns will, too. But the shadow of their former lives is still there; it’s a palimpsest of the old Haiti, the one from two weeks ago. If the people of Haiti can see through the piles of rubble and trace the old outlines, they’ll be okay. Or not okay, but better.

If you haven’t already given, please consider doing so. I recommend Doctors Without Borders, since they seem to be one of the few organizations on the ground in Haiti that’s already doing real work, but nearly any major aid organization will be happy to receive your gift.

*NB: I’ve been a regular BoingBoing reader for ages, and I’ll continue to be, but I don’t think this piece was up to snuff.

A couple of weeks ago, I made a list of things that I was anxious to leave behind in 2009. But I also have a list of things that I am looking forward to in 2010. It’s kind of mushy, but I believe the time for Mushy has come. Mushy is the snark of 2010. Or maybe Snark is the Snark of 2010 and Mushy is, like, the Ke$ha or 2010 — except I have deep, deep problems with Ke$ha and hope that she jumps straight to the casino circuit (or a nearby crevasse) and leaves the rest of us alone, but I’m fine with Mushy hanging around for a bit.

Anyway, here is what I want:

1. Fewer things. Many people asked me what I wanted for Christmas, but here’s the deal: I didn’t want anything for Christmas. In fact, I wanted the opposite of things for Christmas. I wanted someone to march up to the attic and throw away a couple dozen boxes of crap. (Note: that is not what I got.)

2. Spending more time with Jonno. That should be self-explanatory, and with my schedule, maybe it’s a total fantasy. But a guy can dream. 

3. New projects that allow me to work with fun/interesting people. I’m involved with a great theatre company here in New Orleans, and we have loads of fun producing shows — mostly because we only take ourselves seriously enough to get the job done. (Nothing ruins a party faster than theatre people who talk about their Craft and think that they’re Deeply Important.) Last year, I also had the privilege of working with other friends on a series of outside events, and I’m hoping for more of that in 2010 — gigs with Heklina, Blaise, and a few others that will be fun for me and amusing for audiences and pull me from my shell of worsening agoraphobia.

4. Less Katy Perry, more…well, anyone but Katy Perry. Or Miley Cyrus. Or Heidi Montag. Or John Mayer. Or Twisted Sister (who showed up on Regis & Kelly the other day, which makes me sore afraid of a comeback tour). Whatever happened to Jill Scott? MORE JILL SCOTT PLEASE.

5. Learning to do things myself: I already cut my own hair. (I mean, obviously. Have you seen me?) In the short term, I also hope to “master” sewing, embroidery, the changing of spark plugs, the making of bookshelves, and the pouring of cement.

6. Managing my time. I know: another pipe dream. But I think I’m getting better. I’m getting better at saying “no” anyway, which is a start.

7. Losing weight. Believe it or not, I can manage this. It’s hard in the winter, when I pack on pounds for a hibernation that never comes, but in summer? No sweat. Well, actually, lots of sweat.

8. Reading. As a kid, I was a Classic Gay Nerd. All of my brothers brought bags of toys on vacation; I brought bags of Newberry Award-winning young adult novels, courtesy of Tab or Scholastic or whatever service our school used. Then I went to college and graduate school and got degrees in literature, and of all the stuff I learned, the one thing that stuck with me was a profound dread of books. I think I’m finally — finally — on the road back, but I’m not counting any poultry.

9. Writing. Oh, believe me, I do plenty of writing, but little for myself. If I spent as much time on my own stuff as I do on items for others, I’d have written War and Peace twenty times over. Not that I’d want that — ugh, ever — but it would be nice to have something to look back on and say, “Oh, I remember what that time in my life was all about” instead of just regurgitating items about Kim Kardashian on this thing.

10. A new mayor. If you live here, you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you don’t: hooray for you.

Suddenly the Superbowl just got interesting for a whole lot of people! Kim Kardashian made a deal with boyfriend Reggie Bush that if his team the New Orleans Saints wins the Superbowl, then he has to propose, she said in a recent interview on Citadel Interactive morning radio with “Kidd Kraddick in the Morning.”

It seems the reality TV star, pictured at an event for Ocean Drive Magazine at the Delano Hotel in Miami yesterday, wants a plan to snag her on-off boyfriend after sister Khloe’ Kardashian’s surprise marriage to Lamar Odom and Kourtney Kardashian welcoming a new baby with boyfriend Scott Disick. The whole clan is growing up…sigh. Well, even if the Superbowl idea doesn’t work out, Kim’s got lots more weirdness to keep her busy, like seductively eating salads for Carl’s Jr. and promoting her “voluptuous” (???) perfume.

[via SocialiteLife]

Tila Tequila has apparently suffered a final, Anne Heche-y meltdown, but as of press time, we’re unsure what caused it. Booze? Dope? Chronic munchkin celebutardery? We might assume that the stress of losing her fiancee, Casey Johnson, had something to do with these events, except it turns out Casey Johnson was never her fiancee, and in fact, the whole engagement was likely a publicity stunt conceived by Girls Gone Wild “mastermind” Joe Francis. So, um, yeah.

All we know for certain is that something inside America’s least favorite mini-me-me-me famewhore has snapped, because now girlfriend thinks she’s a prophet — which is, I suppose, an improvement, because at least she now has a real job.

At any rate, let the part about me not shitting you begin:

“This is the end of the end. Don’t take your lives for granted because it will all end very soon. Sooner than u think. Everything you do now is totally irrelevant to what is to come. I am only here to warn you as God’s Messenger and Angel disguised as A Human God Bless and pray. Pray for all the wrongs you have done to others, pray for all the hurt you have bestowed. Judgement day is coming… God took the Love of my Life away from me because I promised him that I was only here to do my job. But I fell in Love with Another Angel So he took her away from me. That was my fault. I broke the rules of being an Angel on Earth as a messenger. We’re not allowed 2 fall in luv With another Angel. Cuz it will distract me from doing my job of helping the world. The minute I fell in love with another Angel, I stopped.”

This may explain why her publicist quit yesterday. May.

[via TheSuperficial]