Since Megan Fox has been canned from Transformers 3: Electric Boogaloo, 99% of Hollywood starlets — real or imagined — are preparing to slob Michael Bay’s knob for the part of “The Girl Who Probably Won’t Die as Long as Shia LaBeouf Is Around”. And by “starlet”, I suppose I also mean Heidi Montag, because her audition tape is CLEARLY starlet quality.

Alexander McQueen’s 2004 spring/summer show, inspired by They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? and maybe kinda sorta by the beautiful but not-so-well-received Marathon Dancing by Laura Harrington and Anne Bogart. Maybe.

[via the one and only Barbara “Yesterday’s Perfume” Herman]

…but I often wished I were.

Sadly, I don’t have the body for it — not for most of it. Sure, modern dance opened a lot of doors for men and women who didn’t fit the bill, who lacked Ballanchine bodies made of bone marrow and taut skin. Today, plenty of companies feature principals with entirely average figures, even fat figures, hurtling through space. But I see a good bit of dance — it’s kind of my thing — and personally, I think that certain bodies are more versatile than others. Not necessarily better, but they have a broader range.

Yesterday, Jonno posted a clip reminding me of that. Or at the very least, it reminded me how much I like watching dance. It’s a little gimmicky, and it’s a little long, and for most of you, it’s a lot NSFW, but here:

And also, one of my previous faves: a dodgy recording of “Strange Humors”, choreographed by former closepersonalfriend (and now artistic director for Alvin Ailey!) Robert Battle:

[Linsday Lohan in court, via TheSuperficial]

Sometimes, he could be accused of  gilding the lily. Other times, he misses the boat entirely. But clearly, Flickr member ttyyttyy555 has proven that in the right hands, Photoshop can be a force for good in the world.

[via the Mrs. Mouth Channel, though there’s more on JKTurner‘s]

[DIS magazine via CTRL+W33D]

Greenpeace has launched a campaign to give British Petroleum a new logo. Isn’t that thoughtful? I mean, BP already has a logo that’s pretty and sparkly and green and kind of like a flower but also like the sun — maybe a sunflower? — but given the GIANT OIL SLICK that’s begun washing ashore here in Louisiana, Greenpeace thought BP could use something richer and more earthtoned and, you know, gross. It’s kind of like back in the 90s when everyone was revamping logos for t-shirts, except this time Greenpeace will make money from it.

Below, you’ll see the ad that appeared in yesterday’s Guardian to announce the campaign, and here’s a link to Greenpeace’s spiffy website, where you can see all the latest entries — and submit your own.

Good luck, graphic designers. When you have a second, maybe you could send down some Dawn dishwashing liquid and a sponge?

[via AnimalNewYork]

Yeah, see, we were planning to do Hedda Gabler — as a comedy of course, with a rousing rendition of “Suicide Is Painless” to cap off the show — but then we figured that if we didn’t do a Real Housewives parody ASAP, the bloom would be off the rose. Personally, I think the bloom has already fallen, hit the ground, been collected by hippies, tossed into a vat of canola, and is now being sold as essential oil from the back of a van on Canal Street, but whatever. Rehearsals are hilarious, and that’s all that matters.

So in sum, what I’m getting at is: COME TO THE DAMN SHOW. I’ll see y’all there, assuming I make it through in one piece.

I hate Cato. I’ve never even been to Cato, I have no idea what it is, but I hate it because of its commercials and its shy/wild giantess/spokesmodel, who is not only NOT a model, but also NOT an actress, unless we consider, say, Melissa Sue Anderson an actress, and do we really have to limbo that low? FLOODGATES: OPEN.

Anyway, inspired by a tweet from someone I follow that I can’t seem to find at the moment, I have decided to liveblog the current Cato commercial. IT IS TERRIBLE.

:02 — Okay, Terribly-Dressed-And-Possibly-Retarded-Keith-Urban-Stunt-Double, I have told you: DO NOT GET ME WET!

:05 — YOU WERE WARNED!!!!1!! OM NOM NOM etc.

:10 — I cannot believe the amount of makeup that queen in wardrobe slathered on my eyelids. Does she understand? That we’re in New Orleans? IT IS HOT, HOT, MOTHERHUMPIN’ HOT. I can barely even see you, you hipster-marshmallow-cupcake-duck-like creature.

:11 — I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?

:12 — Let’s stop!

:13 — No, LET’S GO. You look a little like that creepy recovering alcoholic that Sarah Jessica Parkinglot dated in that long-running series whose name I can’t recall — the same guy who showed up as another recovering alcoholic in a completely different show — all of which is beginning to creep me out a little, so seriously: let’s go. LET’S GO FIND A POLICEMAN.

:15 — I’m still a little full from devouring my first boyfriend by the fountain, but I can’t say no to anything that long and red.

:16 — Neither can you, I bet.

:17 — Yes, I lost my teeth in a tragic buffet accident. The doctors had no choice but to replace them with tiny fluorescent light bulbs. Now put on your blue-blockers and FEED ME.

:17 — Wait, this top makes my ass look HUGE. Am I…am I advertising clothes for FAT PEOPLE? I AM GOING TO EAT KILL THAT AGENT.

:20 — Just as soon as I eat kill you.

:22 — On second thought, you are far too sinewy and thin to be filling. And that turquoise shirt looks like it might be contagious. You may pass. Do not touch me again.

:26 — HEE! I AM AS GIDDY AS A SCHOOLGIRL! A REALLY DUMB SCHOOLGIRL WHO IS STILL IN SCHOOL AT AGE 52!

:27 — Oh, there’s my stomach rumbling again. I’m going back on my word: say goodbye to your son, Mrs. Marshmallow Cupcake Ladypants.

:28 — Cato? CATO? Like that guy from the OJ thing? Ohgodohgodohgod that agent is toast. Or at least marmalade on toast. Mmm, is anyone else hungry?