UPDATE: Dudes really WERE peeing on each other and stuff

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So, yesterday I mentioned that the rough-and-tumble types employed by ArmorGroup North America in Kabul, Afghanistan were accused of engaging in frat-style hazing hijinks. (The thought of men eating potato chips from each other’s asscracks is one that will haunt me for some time. Not necessarily in a bad way.)

Alas, although the Mother Jones article claimed there were photos documenting these “atrocities”, I couldn’t find any myself. I am thrilled to report that other people were more fortunate in their Googling:

Those shots came from Gawker; I was pointed to others via our very own Gambit Weekly. (FYI, I’m liking the direction in which the new editor is taking things. Imagine the coverage on this five years ago. Go ahead, I dare you.)

Also there is also a video report, if you want the Nora Newsbag treatment:

My personal opinion: this grab-assery looks no worse than the shenanigans my Kappa Sig friends stirred up back at Millsaps. Okay, yes, I’m sure there were darker moments not captured on film, but have we really reached the point that hazing, horseplay, and other Barbara Kruger-esque, man-touching-man antics have no place in our lives? Where’s the fun in that? Sheesh.

Turkish oil wrestling is now a Hollywood thing, maybe

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One of the blogs I write for requires that I review loads of celebrity photos. Usually they’re just shots of Lauren Conrad eating a bagel or Britney Spears emotionally scarring her children or, nine times out of ten, Jon Gosselin being fat. (Kill me now.) However, amid yesterday’s snaps of Rumer Willis, Ben Affleck, and Miley freakin’ Cyrus came this little number:

Now, unless that’s a still of Christian Bale performing yet another body-tranformative role, I’m pretty sure the guy in the photo has just won a title in traditional Turkish oil wrestling. Which is weirdness on two levels:

(a) Turkish oil wrestling competitions generally take place in Turkey or Amsterdam or other places that are not Hollywood. Unless Kevin Spacey is in the audience (he knows why), the matches doesn’t typically draw the attention of the paparazzi.

(b) Take a look at that belt. Has World Wrestling Entertainment gobbled up every corner of the wrestling market?

Please note, however: I am not complaining about the weirdness. At all.

UPDATE: As it turns out, it’s not oil wrestling, but gravy wrestling. Dude’s creepy Valentino-orange skintone should’ve tipped me off, but I guess the kisbet threw me. Whatever. Someone could still sop that up with a biscuit.

Guards and supervisors are “peeing on people, eating potato chips out of [buttock] cracks”

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On the raunchy living conditions at the headquarters of ArmorGroup North America, “private security contractors guarding Camp Sullivan, otherwise known as the US Embassy in Kabul”:

Numerous emails, photographs, and videos portray a Lord of the Flies environment. One email from a current guard describes scenes in which guards and supervisors are “peeing on people, eating potato chips out of [buttock] cracks, vodka shots out of [buttock] cracks (there is video of that one), broken doors after drnken [sic] brawls, threats and intimidation from those leaders participating in this activity….” Photograph after photograph shows guards—including supervisors—at parties in various stages of nudity, sometimes fondling each other. These parties take place just a few yards from the housing of other supervisors.

[Mother Jones via BoingBoing]

Occasionally, it is important to stop

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“This is what you shall do; Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.”

–Walt Whitman, Preface to Leaves of Grass, 1855 edition

Thanks to Jenny for the reminder.

20 things I am doing today

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1. Napping.

2. Playing with the hounds — or, more specifically, tossing Tania‘s favorite toy, Mrs. Pigglesworth, down the hall. Repeatedly.
3. Watching Housemate Dave try to fix the clutch cable on his Vespa, arguing that drastic measures must be taken, and being shocked/awed when Bud suddenly solves the problem on his own.
4. More napping.
5. Getting a jump on next week’s writing. (Car blogging, like math, can be hard.)
6. Hammering out some new entries for the VERY NSFW Lurid Digs. (Apparently, the Usenet is awash in terrifying images of homosexual tablescapes.)
7. Catching up on a book project that I’m working on with friends. (More on that later.)
8. So, basically, a lot of writing.
9. Helping a friend find a job. (More on that later, too. You may be able to help: he’s smart and cute!)
10. Fixing a runny toilet. Or maybe Bud can do that, too.
11. Calling mom, dad, and bio-mom. Take a picture: I hate talking on the phone.
12. Straightening the house for Southern Decadence houseguests next weekend.
13. Eating too much.
15. Finding a costume to wear to said party. (We’re gay, it’s New Orleans, it’s a costume party.)
16. Finding something in the vein of finger food to bring to said party.
17. Attending the party in question.
18. Drinking my weight in beer at the party.
19. Passing out. (Hopefully not at the party
20. NOT EULOGIZING ANY PARTICULAR METEOROLOGICAL EVENT OR ANY ELECTED OFFICIAL. (Unless a certain mayor happens to meet his demise today. In which case, I might eulogize a little. And by “eulogize” I mean “slurp down body shots from the 12 cheapest strippers I can find on Bourbon Street.”)

The Astronomical Writing Challenge, Part 2 (Finally)

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It’s that time of year again: the day before the anniversary we’d all like to forget. Technically, today’s the day that Jonno and I fled, just after midnight, in a hand-me-down SUV stuffed with dogs and luggage and, for some reason, my Xbox. None of us were really in our right minds.

But I think I’ve written plenty about all that. At least for now. Maybe the fifth anniversary will bring a willingness to look back in apathy. Today I need to mention something else — something else that happened during the week that Everything Changed.

At the end of August 2005, I was reading a book entitled The Last Three minutes, which was, appropriately enough, a story of annihilation. Specifically, it was a scientific treatise about the end of the universe and what that might look like. And lodged somewhere in all that dense text were these two pretty glorious sentences:

Life-giving carbon and oxygen, the gold in our banks, the lead sheeting on our roofs, the uranium rods of our nuclear reactors–all owe their terrestrial presence to the death throes of stars that vanished well before our sun existed. It is an arresting thought that the very stuff of our bodies is composed of the nuclear ash of long-dead stars.

In point of fact, I’d heard that all before August 2005, but never stated quite so eloquently, and it gave me pause. How much awful poetry have such facts generated? How many authors have swooned at the thought that humanity is nothing but stardust? (Answer: many.) And then I went one step further: I asked you people to stun me with star-inspired dreck. Of course, I offered some compensation to the winner — I believe there were promises of well-worn jockstraps and second-hand ashtrays, but it’s all a little fuzzy now.

Anyway, for obvious reasons, I never got around to picking a winner. But I’ve been meaning to post my four favorite submissions for lo these four years. And here they are.

If you wrote one of ’em, drop me a line. My jockstrap offer still stands, although you’re welcome to suggest another gift — a curling iron (I have no use for such things), Fleshbot swag (it still arrives now and then), a handshake. I won’t be offended.

* * * * *

It’s true that you are
not a beautiful snowflake.
You are a dead star.

Kiztent
[Brevity is a virtue]

* * * * *

Judy flung open Stacy’s garden gate with an exuberance she’d not felt in months. With chest a’heave Judy looked down at the crouched and sweating Stacy. Stacy wiped away the moisture from her brow with the back of her gloved hand, looked up at Judy and sweetly gasped “what”?.

Judy blurted out “Stacy, I just went on line and found the solution for our problem. I have it on good authority that human male urine, sprayed liberally around the perimeter of our property, will deter raccoons!”

With that revelation, the two neighbors rejoiced, “high fived” and decided to have a party.

Drury
[Just as random and vacuous as the quote. Love it.]

* * * *

Poem engraved on a photograph frame, decorated with figurine of young girl in nightdress, kneeling while gazing out a window and looking at a star, with hands clasped in prayer. Frame holds wedding photo.

When I was just a little girl
Each night I’d scan the sky
And wish upon the first bright star
To meet a special guy
And then I’d pray that my dear Father
Looking from above
Would guide that one bright special star
To shine upon my love.
I spent my days, searching,
Waiting for the star
To send my soul mate to me
No matter from how far.
And then I learned that by God’s grace
And Intelligent Design,
We are made from the very stars
That joined your life to mine.
And now I look into your eyes
So filled with honest love
And know that our union has
Blessings from above.
In my youth I wished on stars
But now I see the light
My love has been beside me
From that first wish, that first night.

Elizabeth
[I love that she gives the “poem” a setting. Elizabeth commented that after she read my post, she vomited this up in under ten minutes. And I believe her.]

* * * * *

Coda: Re-thinking extinction, catastrophe, quietus

On 13 August 2002, the New York Times published a poignant piece by John Nobel Wilford about the Voyager spacecrafts. The Voyager expeditions, launched more than 25 years ago to explore the outer solar system, had just reached the boundary between the heliosphere, the “bubble in space produced by the solar wind” and the beginnings of deep space. The article ends with a description of both craft taking one last picture of our solar system. “Then both craft turned their attention forward, to the heliosphere and beyond. The Voyagers are expected to survive millions of years of interstellar travel, steadfast as ever. But silent, their computers and radios dead and the Sun receding into cosmic insignificance, the two spacecraft will have long since lost touch with their makers and the home they left behind in 1977.”

The article put into motion a number of emotions about humanity and its machines, but the final image of the Voyagers’ silent running brought home to me something I feel very deeply. Yes, Reader, Humans will, like all creatures, become extinct. That isn’t something to be scared about, or sad about—it’s simply something that is—and a necessary part of Something Else’s becoming. It is this Final Gesture that is an image defines for me a word that I love: quietus.

Quietus: “a period of inactivity, final discharge or acquittance (as from debt or obligation), final settlement, removal from or extinction of activity, something that produces a cessation of activity, something that quiets or represses.”

If one believes that humans will live on through their representations, then the existence of a Golden Record on each of the Voyager will carry us out into the Universe, speaking to the Stars, bringing new Life to the Planets in the Beyond, ironically living onward, a Life in the dead metal of Human Endeavor.

Our Culture, Ultimate Life, Ultimate Quietus.

Tyler
[Laudable for its optimism and its literalness. Also: I’m amused by the thought of Voyager crash-landing on some vaguely hospitable planet and the spacecraft’s Golden Record — which scientists and linguists spent many hours devising — being defaced and destroyed by some dumbass monkey-equivalent.]

For $110, godless bastards will walk your dog after the Rapture

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Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA
The next best thing to pet salvation in a Post Rapture World

We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you’ve received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.

EternalEarthboundPets via BoingBoing